Five Ways to Kill Snowcat
by Blackwolf249
Summary: To celebrate the 35th anniversary of the Transformers franchise, we're sending one of the worst transformers characters to the slaughter.


**Hey guys, sorry for taking so long to bring you guys Season 2. Hopefully, this will make up for the long wait.**

**Disclaimer: All characters are owned by their respective companies.**

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Hey, guys. This is Zachary Shields, and welcome to the second season of _Five Ways to Kill_! Sorry for the long wait. I completely forgot to get started by the time the new year came around. You see, I wanted to start working on this in January. Why? Because this year marks the 35th anniversary of Transformers! *blows noisemaker*

Anyway, the victim room is finally open, and the killers are itching to put an end to the next victim, so let's fire up the Randomizer and see whose death we'll be celebrating.

The Randomizer activates; when it stops, the monitor reveals that it landed on…

Snowcat.

The crowd, which this time consisted of Transformers fans, started booing at the monitor.

Yes, everyone. While this is the 35th anniversary of Transformers as a whole, this unfortunately means it's also the 15th anniversary of _Transformers: Energon._ The worst entry of the infamous 'Unicron Trilogy', and possibly the worst English Dub ever made. And what better way to celebrate the occasion than to kill Snowcat?

Originally the Unicron Trilogy's version of Cyclonus, this guy was supposed to be part insane bad guy part comic relief alongside his partner, Demolshor in _Transformers Armada_ or _Transformers: Legends of the Microns_ in Japan. However, they both just ended up being stupid and annoying to the point of being unlikeable. It only got worse in _Transformers Energon_, or _Transformers: Superlink_ in Japan. For a start, when Cyclonus was reformatted into Snowcat, his alt mode was a downgrade from his previous form. Instead of a gunship or a jet, Snowcat's alt mode was an arctic truck. Granted, he was given two shoulder mounted Cryo-Cannons, but he almost never used them. What sealed the deal was that, not only was his voice even more high-pitched and scratchy than ever, but he and Demolishor were even stupider than they were in _Armada_. To quote Diamond Bolt... "…the two of them combined are a deadlier force than Unicron himself. Because they're so annoying, they'll make you want to shoot yourself in the head!" Combine that with the incredibly broken translation done by Voicebox Productions and you've got the recipe for the third worst character in _Transformers Energon_ next to Ironhide and Chad "Kicker" Jones.

So now, without further delays, it's time to start this late season off with a bang, as we reveal the five ways to kill Snowcat.

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**Number 5: Blaze on, Robocop!**

*An abandoned street in Downtown Old Detroit, Michigan*

Snowcat is seen firing his Cryo-Cannons at a group of innocent civilians when suddenly a Police Cruiser drives up to Snowcat. As it stops, the door opens, revealing the driver to be **Robocop, Detroit's Cyborg Defender.**

Snowcat turns and sees the cyborg.

"Freeze. You are under arrest. Come quietly or there will be… TROUBLE."

Snowcat laughs and smashes a frozen civilian to pieces.

"Oh yeah, and what are you about it?"

Snowcat kicks the civilian's severed head towards the cyborg, still laughing. He was so caught up in his own laughter that he sees Robocop clenching his fist…

"Good news, you're no longer UNDER ARREST."

Alex pulled out his PT-5 Blaze Plasma Rifle and fired several shots into Snowcat's body. * As the Decepticon buttmonkey looked at himself, he saw his and legs liquefying.

"I'M MELTING! **I'M MELTING! OH, WHAT A WORLD!**"

Soon, Snowcat was nothing but a puddle of molten Transformium and Energon.

Robocop breathed a sigh of relief.

"Mission Accomplished. Threat Neutralized."

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**Number 4: Mecha Madness!**

*The Helicarrier*

Snowcat is seen Bound to the runway of the Helicarrier. Standing before him are **Iron Man, The Armored Avenger** and **D. Va, The Gamer Turned Captain of MEKA**.

Inside her mech, D. Va gave Snowcat a unsettling scowl.

"You stupid, frigid, blockhead! Stark and I had to deal with your stupidity and irritating voice for the last time!"

Within the Hulkbuster, Tony revved up his new Gatling Repulsor Cannon.

"Yeah. Now it's time to send you to the scrap pile!"

The two then opened fire, Iron Man with his Repulsor Cannon and D. Va with her Fusion Cannons. After two whole minutes…

Snowcat was nothing more than a pile of metal shards.

"Game Over, Snowcat."

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**Number 3: Feed it to the Paw!**

*Angel Grove*

An arctic truck is seen driving through the streets when suddenly it takes on the form of a robot, revealing itself to be Snowcat.

"Finally, Angel Grove! Home of the Power Rangers!"

Snowcat surveyed his surroundings.

"Soooo… what was I sent to do again?"

Suddenly a large shadow loomed over the Decepticon.

"Huh? Nighttime already?"

Snowcat turned and looked up, finally seeing the source of the shadow: The paw of a gigantic, mechanical Wildcat. Snowcat screamed in terror, but it was too late…

**CRUNCH!**

The Tweddle Dee of_ Transformers: Energon_ was crushed under the foot of the robotic wildcat. And inside the cockpit was **Karone, The Pink Lost Galaxy Ranger**.

"Why do I feel like my Galactabeast stepped on something?"

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**Number 2: AnRyu's Daily Workout**

*The Grand Canyon*

Snowcat is seen bound by heavy shackles, standing before him is **AnRyu, the Dark Symmetrical Sister***

"Alright, Snowcat. This looks like the perfect place for my workout."

AnRyu assumed a martial arts stance.

"Now then, have at you!"

She then let loose a flurry of punches and kicks concluding with a roundhouse kick, sending him screaming off the cliff until….

**CRASH!**

Snowcat landed on the hard, rocky bottom of the canyon, smashing to pieces upon impact.

"There, I feel much better."

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Okay, before we get to number one, let's have a recap of the four kills we've seen so far….

**5\. Melted into slag by Robocop**

**4\. Shot to pieces by Iron Man and D. Va**

**3\. Crushed into a metal pancake by Karone's Galactabeast**

**2\. Beaten and kicked off a cliff by Anryu**

Now, it's time for the moment you've been waiting seven months for. Here's the number one way to kill Snowcat.

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**Number 1: Don't Feed the Predacon**

*Kaon, the Decepticon Home Territory*

Snowcat was sent to the Kaon as punishment for his latest failure, not knowing he was being watched… Standing on one of the many towers was **Divebomb, the Rogue Predacon**.*

"Now, where are you?"

Divebomb looked down and spotted his quarry.

"Ah. There you are."

Divebomb changed into his beast mode and flew towards his target.

"Man, this stinks. Why does Lord Megatron degrade us like this?"

Suddenly, the local boob of the Decepticons hears a voice.

"Because you're a worthless bucket of bolts. Or should I say MY LUNCH!"

Divebomb swooped down and grabbed Snowcat with his talons. The reformed Predacon grabbed the Decepticon and ripped off Snowcat's forearm with his beak and swallowed it.

The Decepticon screamed in pain as piece after piece was torn off his body, until finally Divebomb tore off his head.

"Mmmmm… delicious."

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And that's the five ways to kill Snowcat! I would like to thank AnRyu, Karone, Robocop, Iron Man, Divebomb, and D. Va, for their involvement in the celebration of Transformers' 35th anniversary! You've all got your kill trophies, so now, is there anything that you would say before the show ends?

**Anryu: **Yes, welcome back to the Five Ways to Kill scene.

**Iron Man: **We all missed you, Zach.

**Robocop: **As for the episode itself, Snowcat has more than deserved each of his deaths for his incompetence and stupidity.

**Karone: **Yeah, bad characters like him give henchmen like Deviot a bad name.

**D .Va: **That's why I suggest you to watch _Transformers: Cybertron_ instead.

**Divebomb: **Also, I was able to get Snowcat's head. I think I'll keep it as a trophy alongside this one.

Well, if that's all you have to say, then that concludes this special edition episode of Five Ways to Kill! I'll see you next time, but until then, this is Zachary Shields, wishing you and all Transformer fans a happy 35th anniversary.

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**Again, sorry this installment took so long, not only did I delay it until July, the WiFi on my entire block went out. We we've been without WiFi for 35 WHOLE DAYS! Hopefully, this makes up for it.**

**Notes/Trivia:**

**-I am using the 2013 version of _Robocop_. The PT-5 Blaze came from the mobile rail shooter released by Glu to promote the movie.**

**-AnRyu is from the OVA, **_**King of Braves: GaoGaiGar FINAL**_**. She's the second female symmetrical sibling alongside KouRyu.**

**-Divebomb was a toy-only character from **_**Transformers Prime**_**, he was very fun to work with.**

**So that's it, folks. I hope you enjoy this late episode of **_**Five Ways to Kill!**_** Next episode, another infamous fanbase is on my hitlist…**

**Leave a comment. Any positive feedback will be appreciated.**


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